Stuck in a rut

Have you ever felt stuck in a rut? Like no matter what you do you feel anxious, or sad, or just exhausted? That would be where I have been for the past few days. I haven't blogged, or social networked in days, which is totally out of character. I am exhausted every single day, regardless of the fact that I am getting 8 hours sleep a night. I don't really want to talk to any of my friends because I feel like my negativity may rub off and I hate when that happens.

Why all the gloom?

This subject is a subject that I get anxious about even sharing because it takes me back to a place where I was very scared but at the same time gives me so much perspective for the future. I am a single mom- if you hadn't guessed that by the "brit and the boys" minus the husband.. or the pictures of only the three of us. That's not because I am a husband hater or my husband is just off on business all the time- it's because there is no husband. This typically isn't an issue.. but just to give you an insight so that you know the background to the story. I was nineteen when I got pregnant with Trey and then 21/2 years later got pregnant again with Brady. This was a selfish decision in so many ways. I didn't know how having a child at such a young age- out of wedlock- would effect my entire family but mostly how it would effect the children I was having. Enough with the self guilt.. here it goes..

I was at an Arbonne meeting where I was trying to "build a business" and stay home with Trey when I got a phone call that Trey had "passed out". We rushed to the hospital where we were told he had just had a seizure. What? a seizure? Trey doesn't have seizures? I don't even know of a single person who has ever in real life had a seizure, what do you mean?? They told us his fever had probably spiked and that is what caused what's called a febrile seizure. And that it may or may not ever happen again. We decided it would be best to stay with James' mother that night because she lived just around the corner the hospital and our house was on the other side of town. So, while James took Trey to her house, I ran home to get us all some clothes. I couldn't even get to my house before I got the second call that he had another seizure.

For about 2 years Trey had seizures almost at least once a week. He would have one that would last 2 minutes and by the end of that day would have had anywhere from 5-15 and each time they would last longer than the other. I researched and met with the best of the best neurologists and had seizure studies done in hopes of helping my son become the healthy child he once was. We tried multiple medications and with all of them he had break through seizures and on top of that his kidney function had to be tested every six months due to the strength of the meds. He had every type of seizure there is. Grand mal, patite mal, absence seizures, you name it.. He had them. In July 2007 Trey had a seizure that lasted 30 minutes and he stopped breathing while on the ambulance in front of our house.  I was so fortunate that Emergency Medical was there.  After a good friend of our family sharing her cousin’s story with me I decided to have Trey tested for food allergies. I knew he was allergic to peanuts but wondered if there was anything else. His food panel test came back positive for beef, soy, eggs, melons, and peanuts. My allergist advised me to take these things out of his diet for six weeks and then reintroduce them and see what happened. Almost immediately I saw a change in Trey. While all of those things sounded like such hard work and such a life change for our family.. The truth is, the outcome was worth way more than any life change could have come close to. Trey went 2 years without having a single seizure of any type. Every day felt like Christmas for me and I really had no idea what a blessing having a healthy child was before this experience. 

I didn’t after six weeks reintroduce Trey to those foods. I was too scared.  He still has not had beef since then. Soy and Eggs though I have in the last year given him in small doses. No whole eggs.. like no scrambled eggs for breakfast, but if someone at school brings cupcakes or we are at a birthday party I will let him have one. Same with soy- which is in almost everything. Unfortunately a seizure isn’t as black and white as a fever for example. I can take my younger son to the doctor for a fever and the Dr will say “Brady has a fever BECAUSE he has an ear infection.” But when Trey has a seizure there is no definite BECAUSE.

Trey still has not had a Grand Mal seizure- full blown all extremities shaking, eyes rolling into the back of his head, mouth foaming, cheeks and lips twitching etc- in almost three years. BUT, last school year he did have a smaller seizure in his sleep. I really thought maybe it was just a fluke thing and it wouldn't happen again. I was wrong. Last Wednesday and Thursday nights he had 2 more seizures in his sleep. Thankfully he didn't know he had them- just as last year. The worrying has come back, along with the task of making sure each and every person who cares for him knows his history and what to do. 

So I am sorry if I haven't called, text, facebooked, tweeted or blogged. I am just in a rut.. I promise to come out soon.